The Facts of Death

In May of 1897, the editors of the New York Journal got wind that Mark Twain was ill. This information turned out not to be correct. In a letter to the Journal correspondent who contacted him about the matter, Twain assured him that it was certainly the illness of a cousin with the Clemens surname that had led to the confusion. As an aside, the last line of the letter is often misquoted out of ignorance or for humorous emphasis.

“I can understand perfectly how the report of my illness got about, I have even heard on good authority that I was dead. James Ross Clemens, a cousin of mine, was seriously ill two or three weeks ago in London, but is well now. The report of my illness grew out of his illness.

The report of my death was an exaggeration.”

The dictionary defines "hearsay" as rumors and claims or information that is unsubstantiated.

But when those rumors about are about death or dying, one might call them "hearse say."

Sado-Mathochist

Definition: One who punishes others with excessive facts or jokes about mathematics while lisping. Where excessive connotes "greater than zero".

See also: sado-mathematist

Sado-Mathematist

Definition: One who punishes others with excessive facts or jokes about mathematics. Excessive, here, is generally read as, "greater than zero".

See also: sado-mathochist

March of Dimes March... for Babies?

My cousin recently contacted me via an email message with this subject: "Please join me in supporting March of Dimes March for Babies". I was so concerned that I had to respond immediately.

Here is my response. If you know of others who are considering comparable efforts, I would urge you to reply similarly.

Liz,

I'll read this message later. I was so concerned by the subject, that I feel the need to respond immediately.

I don't think there should be a march for babies and I cannot support it. Unless, of course, it is a very short march. Babies tire easily and, because their bones and joints are still fairly soft and loose, the stress of a march -- let alone an accidental fall, as they are also fairly clumsy -- could cause long-lasting or even permanent injury.

Perhaps the adults could simply drive the babies to the final destination of the march. If not, I would suggest instead that adults march on behalf of the babies, though I'm not sure why the babies needed to march -- or where they needed to go -- in the first place. Instead of raising money for babies to march, these adults could raise money to improve the health and well-being of the aforementioned babies. For example, people could sponsor the adults to walk to the destination established by the babies. Or, if they were unable to ascertain that destination (as babies are known to not be effective communicators of detailed directions), they could simply make a symbolic march of say four miles or so for which they might be sponsored at established levels of $100, $75, $50, $25, or Other Amount $____. I could support that.

Please! Do it for the babies.

Love,
~Tim

Dr.phil.

"Doctor philosophiæ". Equivalent to the English "Philosophiæ Doctor" or Ph.D.

Definition: (1) A degree confered upon those who, according to their peers, have achieved the highest level of academic expertise in their disciplines. (2) (in the Sciences) Part of the standard degree progression - B.S. (bullshit), M.S. (more shit), and Ph.D. (piled higher and deeper).

See also: Dr. Phil (McGraw). Piled even higher and even deeper.

kin aesthetic

Definition: (n.) What the incestuous find most appealing about relative motion.

In a sentence: When she danced, Billy truly appreciated his sister's kin aesthetic.

See also: kinesthetic (homophone)